Random Thoughts On 4.20.2012

So this weekend I did the hardest thing in my life thus far. I talked to both my living grandparents, and neither went well. One deleted me off Facebook over two years ago. I sent her letters, messages and called since then. She ignored it. I was going to go over to her house but I was terrified. So I sent her one last letter on Facebook. She replied. She deleted me because she thought I wanted her out of my life. That was her excuse. She apologized. She told me she loved me and not to be upset. I replied later that night that of course I was upset someone disappeared in my life for two years without an explanation.

The other Grandmother? I don’t have a clue when I last had a conversation with her. More than six years most likely. She would only call me when a student loan she cosigned on was late. The company would harass her because they knew she was an old lady and thought she would pay. I told her she should of reported them to the Better Business Bureau because they would contact her first. Regardless I felt compelled NOT to pay them because she never called me otherwise…and it was immature of me..but whatever. After years I called her today (she since stopped calling me regardless of how late the bill was), and apologized for not being responsible. The conversation was 50 seconds…which was about 35 seconds of my apology…she had the audacity to tell me she loved me.

Yes…like that has anything to do with love.

I knew in both cases nothing positive would happen. I hoped. I prayed but I knew both cases would turn out terribly.  I am okay with it. I am upset but okay with it.

I found in my recent relationships, well all my relationships I was clingy. I tried my best not to be but I was. I have always been afraid people would vanish from my life. When High School ended everyone stopped talking to me. Everyone vanished. I won’t lie I was not the most approachable person but over night I had no friends. On top of my grandmothers disappearing my brother left my life for 11 years. He came back years ago but we still have no relationship. It fills me with some regret but in that case too…I tried. That is all I can say.

I firmly believe in the idea of being a Christian, or even a good man, is the idea of being ready to die. Having everyone in your life know you love and cherish them. Trying hard to be the best man possible. Trying hard to be a rock. Trying hard to not have a single regret, or have a single relationship out of order. I know this is impossible, but that is what I am trying hard to do.

I realize I might not be the best person in the world, but I am a great guy. I can’t live a mediocre life. I can’t settle for mediocrity. I spent too much of my life terribly depressed, or trying to pick myself up with booze. No longer. I have been living at the gym this year..I am trying to be strict with my diet. I am trying to get my personal life in order. I am trying to get my spiritual life in order.

I always looked up to older men. Clint Eastwood, Connery, even lately Daniel Craig. I just think it is important for a man to age well. A man should always peak late in his life. Anyone can go through his twenties and even thirties chasing tail and being immature…but a real man stays a man late in life as well. 

@1 year ago with 1 note